A former fashionista's Goodbye to Yesterday...

Yes, I know the title is misleading... after all, I was only a "fashionista" of my own unique (and sometimes questionable) sense of style. But I love clothes. I love having an option of what to wear, and what will suit my personality that day. Now before you think I'm off my meds for my multiple personalities, it isn't that I'm a different person from day-to-day (although how interesting that must be), but rather, I like to try different things... and fit the persona that goes with them... for example... I like to sometimes go rockclimbing. Well... ok, I've been twice in the 3 years we've lived here in Dallas, but really, I WANT to, so ... I have two gorgeous pairs of prana pants I can choose between for those ventures. And if I want to be my sporty but stylish self on a bicycle, I have 2 pairs of skorts in fast-drying material (they were expensive, believe me!) And if I REALLY want to ride I have the gear for technical riding also... which I actually DID used to do frequently... over 7 years ago. And... for clubbing nights I have the sparkly-and-almost-there-but-in-a-tasteful-way dresses, as well as the not-so-tasteful-for nights-when-i-don't-want-to-see-anyone-i-know-but-want-to-shake-my-booty...and the "i'm a romantic girl on the beach with the chiffon skirt blowing in the wind" dresses, and the sexy sundresses, and work suits (which, the last time I had a job where I had to wear a suit to work was... oh...10 years ago). I mean, take jeans, for instance... I have rough jeans, jeans for country dancing, jeans that make my butt look great, jeans for sylish, snooty affairs (think lots of rhinestones), and so on...
And it has all come to a SCREECHING halt! And not for the reasons you might think. I'd like to say I'm lucky, but really it's a combination of genes, healthy eating, and exercise (and lots of breastfeeding a giant baby) that I'm not only back to pre-pregnancy weight, I'm actually below it. And while that means I can (mostly) fit in my pants, my boobs have exploded.... to a size F!!! SO.... almost none of my tops fit, and those that do have to work for breastfeeding. Since we are letting Kyra self-wean I'll be breastfeeding her approximately 3-4 years... AND... we are planning more kids, which means even LONGER.... SO.. I need shirts I can expose myself in. And most of my shirts in my closet won't work. (Those of you that know me, and really, who's reading this that doesn't, know that I absolutely REFUSE to cover myself with one of those stupid covers, or even worse, a blanket, to feed my child. I mean really... carry something else... in 97 degree summers... so I don't let someone glimpse my boob being used for what it's SUPPOSED to? Get a LIFE... I'd go topless if I could!!)
So I bit the bullet and spent tonight trying every single thing on. I created 3 piles- those (few) that fit and I can breastfeed in are in my closet. There's a small pile of shirts that fit that I think I can cut in strategic ways to MAKE them breastfeeding-friendly (And I'd LOVE help for those sewers out there, such as Amanda or Erin). And there's the GIANT pile of things I will never wear anytime soon... because I had had them for years and can't even fit them over my thighs (weep for my PRANA pants) but mainly because they won't fit my boobs period, and will NOT work for BFing unless I strip in public.
97. That's the number of new empty hangers in my closet. 97. That's the number of loved pieces of clothing that I've chosen over the years to adorn myself with that I'm saying goodbye to. 97. That's... well, you get the picture. Or you don't yet. Because that's also the number of pictures I have to take to post these 97 beloved items for sale... because, let's face it- I just get to look to replace them with newer, fresher, more "me" clothes that will let my boobs out when I want.
So, besides Target and Old Navy- anyone have suggestions for nursing tops?

Kyra Velvet Atherton's Birth Story

Kyra Velvet’s Birth Story
Kyra was due on March 5th 2011. Justin and I were so excited… we’d planned the entire pregnancy to make decisions that were the absolute best for her, almost regardless of what was best for me or desired by us…. Usually they went hand-in-hand. Therefore, besides planning on things like exclusively breastfeeding, cloth diapering, co-sleeping and baby wearing, we’d planned her birth to be as natural and gentle as possible. Because my mom is a midwife, and I’d grown up around an atmosphere that promotes birth as natural and beautiful, we’d decided on a homebirth. And to add to that, a water birth!
At our one and only ultrasound they had said that Kyra looked small, and changed our due date to the 15th. I knew that was incorrect as I keep accurate charts, but we kept it in mind… especially as the 5th came and went with no sign of labor! Since we wanted a homebirth Justin and I did everything “right”… I ate perfectly… lots of healthy salmon, proteins, veggies and fruits…. Walked, got massages. We attended excellent Bradley childbirth classes, did the assignments and read TONS of books together. We got the rented spa for the water birth… a huge, 6-feet across tub with jets and heat… and LOVED using it for the couple weeks we had it! We just couldn’t wait! Justin took off from work starting Feb 28th in anticipation.
The 5th was gone… then the 10th… I kept doing everything I could think of to start labor! I was stressed and anxious and had decided to go insane if one more person asked me how I felt! Justin and my sister, Stephanie, decided to get me out of town. My parents live 2 hours away on lots of peaceful land with a private lake… that sounded perfect and close just in case. So we left for their house on Monday, the 14th. We relaxed, played games and enjoyed ourselves. We usually have really late nights there since we aren’t worried about getting up… so when I had a few Braxton-hicks at 4 am on Wed. the 16th, I laughed them off and went to sleep. I woke up off-and-on all night as I continued to have them… but they were easy, sleep-through-them pulses, so no big deal. By the next evening they hadn’t stopped and were about 8 minutes apart, so we decided to head to Dallas. My mom left her shift as a night labor-and-delivery nurse and followed in her van (she had a bag of instruments, hoping I’d deliver en route, hehe). By the time we got to our house I was exhausted. (In the car Jen was at 5-1-1 and then slowed once we got home.) The contractions were still about 7 minutes apart and while they didn’t hurt, I couldn’t sleep through them. We had gotten back to Dallas about midnight on Wed/ Thurs. and we had all tried to get some sleep… which was worse for me. Contractions started to hurt when I was lying down… I couldn’t move like I wanted, and I had trouble relaxing. So I got up. I let Justin sleep as I knew it could be long (because my mom is a labor and delivery nurse, and I’d asked her to, I knew I wasn’t dilated yet) and my mom and sister were there to help. I LOVED rocking on the ball, hand-and-knees was good… basically, I wanted someone doing the hip squeeze for every contraction, which was still very manageable. I made laborade, ate and drank (although I can’t remember what). My midwife was waiting for the 5-1-1 call. As Thursday morning came I called my doula, Logan, who got her kids set up and came in early afternoon. She was able to take over for my mom- those hip squeezes are exhausting to do, apparently! Contractions were starting to get more intense so I was glad when Justin finally woke up- his strong hands were great on my back! I changed positions for the intenseness and liked someone pressing on my back/ hips while I could lean INTO him in front. Contractions were about 5 minutes apart. We got into the hot tub (with Justin and my sister) where contractions got much stronger and closer together- we were progressing! Or so I thought! On checking I STILL hadn’t dilated!! At this point it had been over 24 hours. My mom helped me get to a “2”… More contractions. My mom went to sonic because a hot dog sounded GREAT to me!!! And it was!! As that night fell I was starting to worry… so my midwife came over and checked me. She concurred that I hadn’t dilated by this point past a 4 (which my mom had also had to get me to manually as I had some scar tissue on my cervix). She said the baby sounded good, and suggested that I make contactions more productive (hoping to break my water) by pushing down for contractions. WOW- those were the hardest contractions to have!! But I was ready to meet Kyra, so Justin helped me with those. We decided to get more private to see if that helped, so everyone else napped and we lit candles and relaxed with music. I alternated- I’d been having VERY intense contractions, and needed constant change… I could only manage 2 contractions pushing on the toilet before it was too much, so then we’d get in the hot tub for a couple contractions, and then try to lie down for a couple to rest. I’d lost my voice “moaning” by now, so I was blowing out with each contraction. By 4 am on Friday I was exhausted! I’d been in labor for 48 hours and tried everything I could think of. I’d thrown up the last things I’d eaten and I’d finally hit the emotional “I can’t do it” point. I decided to call my midwife back over to see what options were for progress. While waiting for her to get here Justin helped me walk the stairs outside our apartments… up and down, up and down…. On arriving, she found out that NOTHING had changed… I was still only a 4! To make it worse, Kyra’s heartbeat was now erratic… she was exhausted too and not doing well. She recommended transporting, and on hearing that I burst into tears… this was my personal nightmare coming true!! We all went to Baylor and I can safely say that contractions in a car, set off by every bump, are horrendous!! While we hadn’t planned for this by packing a single thing, I HAD made a birth plan for c-section, “just in case”. (THANK YOU, LINDA).
The first thing I noticed was that everyone was nice to me… an obvious, homebirth patient. They started IV fluids and a belt to see contractions… which they noticed the “lates” on… Kyra wasn’t getting enough oxygen. So I was started on oxygen to help (NOT a fan of the mask, hah). They recommended an epidural because if they had to rush me back for a c-section they would do a general anesthesia which I did NOT want. So we decided to get the epidural. I can say that after a 48+ hour labor it was nice to be able to relax. The downside: as soon as they gave me the epidural, my over-tired uterus went into a long, unending contraction… the emergency team rushed into the room, immediately broke my water to relieve pressure on Kyra, and had to administer a medication to stop my contractions altogether. We decided to wait 30 (Justin says 2 hours) minutes and give Kyra and I time to rest, then slowly resume with Pitocin and see if we could get a vaginal birth started. 30 minutes later, with the start of Pitocin, Kyra once again started “lates”. The doctors came in and explained that it was my choice how we wanted to proceed- we could still try for a vaginal birth, but with her oxygen depletion and obvious stress we risked brain damage on her part- especially as I still wasn’t dilated past that 4/5. Or I could have a c-section. Justin and I chose c-section, as her health is our primary concern. I cried and I think he did too. I couldn’t stop apologizing, thinking it was my fault, I did something “wrong” to end up here… it was a nightmare, and I was far past exhaustion.
This is where the hospital, Baylor, really stepped up. From the beginning they had been completely supportive, letting Justin and I make the decisions, being respectful to us, my doula and my midwife, and discussing my birth plan. They copied my birth plan for my folder and EVERY doctor read it!!! This meant that I:
-took my placenta home (albeit after having to release it to a funeral home)
-initially received the lowest dose possible for an epidural where I still had slight feeling
- received NO memory-altering medications (given in some c-sections) or medications making me sleepy
We had the c-section and they even let my mom AND Justin accompany me in the OR. When she was pulled free all the doctor’s started saying, “Wow- look how BIG she is! Where was she hiding?” and I could immediately hear her cry! They also
-let the cord stop pulsing before cutting it… something my mom said she has NEVER seen in a c-section!! It was also a first for the hospital, as some nurses were asking what the doctors were doing… it was great!
-Kyra went over to the side to be checked out and Justin was immediately by her, holding her hand and she knew his voice, turned to it and quieted down when he spoke! She weighed 9 pounds, 2 ounces and was 22 inches long! Her feet were so big they wouldn’t fit in the space on the paper for them and are on the words also. We did decide on the vitamin K injection due to the traumatic nature of her birth, but that’s it. I had some complications during the surgery and my blood pressure kept dropping- resulting in more medications and LOTS of saline, and I ended up VERY swollen and MUCH more “out of it” than I was supposed to be, but they still placed her skin-to-skin on my chest (as requested) to leave the OR and into the recovery room. She breastfed immediately and well- she was VERY alert!! We went from there into our “regular” room, where we stayed until Sunday- when we got to go home a day early. Kyra never left my side except twice when they took her to be weighed, and Justin demanded to go with them both times. Even the pediatrician made an “exception” and came to our room to see her, when we adamantly stated that she was NOT leaving my side!!! She also slept in bed with me or on the couch with Justin- she was never in her bassinet, and it was wonderful!! We found out that her due date WAS the 5th- so she was 2 weeks overdue.
It has been harder reconciling the feelings I have about her birth. My midwife made such a heartfelt comment to me in my recovery room. She said, “It’s o.k. to grieve your birth and still love your daughter. Having a healthy baby isn’t the only (goal), and some people will think that will be enough. But it’s o.k. to grieve her birth process.”.
Kyra is super-healthy and gorgeous!! She is (now) a great breastfeeder, although I DID hire a lactation consultant for some help. We have all co-slept and LOVE it, and I’m working through all the emotions I have (some that I’m still recognizing) surrounding her birth. I found out later that our birth was considered “traumatic” although at the time I didn’t recognize it as such, nor did I know that over 48 hours had gone by in the labor (she was born at 12:27 p.m. on Friday, March 18th). I also found out that I was having back labor because her head was posterior, which is why I loved the back presses so much, and is also considered the most painful type of labor. While I have been constantly reassured that there was nothing I could have done to change that outcome, I feel better by thinking that I got through 48 hours of the most painful “natural” labor contractions, and I know I can do it again. So I’m proud of myself for that. I also know that Justin was amazing as a partner going through this difficult time with me- always patient, supportive and loving. I will never forget watching him look at Kyra for the first time and I feel that our relationship has reached a new level by helping each other through this. And the best part is becoming a family. Attached is a labor montage that Justin made to honor our experience.

Counting Down

We are almost 7 days past our official due date of March 5th and still waiting. I've had lots of contractions but not really anything else. I didn't expect the last few days to be the hardest part- Cori mentioned that this part of pregnancy is so miserable that it helps combat any remaining fears of the labor, which is so true- I just want to get it started and over! ANYTHING is better than waiting... of course, that is true for other areas of my life as well- I am simply not a patient waiter. Hah. I know she'll come when she's ready, however, I can completely understand how appealing the thought of induction is, even though I will NOT do that! I also underestimated how I would be mentally/ emotionally at this stage. I am grouchy and anxious- NOTHING exists outside of this baby/ pregnancy. Not work, not friends, not even hobbies. The house has been cleaned, and everything gotten ready for the homebirth. I stopped answering my phone days ago after receiving TONS of phone calls and messages that all asked the same thing: How are you feeling? Any baby/ labor yet? And etc. (I've been mentally compiling a list of questions to never ask my pregnant moms and friends, lol). And I know that everyone's excited, but next time Justin and I have decided to give everyone a due date a month after the "real" one to prevent this added stress. We are, however, LOVING our birth tub that we're renting. It is hard-sided (not inflatable) and 6 feet across- huge! Also, it's heated and has jets for jacuzzi power... we're in it almost every night relaxing. It is SO wonderful!! Not looking forward to giving it back! We set it up in Kyra's room because it is bigger than we anticipated so wouldn't fit in our bedroom, and we wanted privacy for the birth, so we didn't want it in the living room.
Also, we've found that with the extra time waiting, dungeons and dragons makes an excellent distraction! I'm learning to DM, and we're playing in another local game as well. Justin is in the process of writing a story, and over-all we're really enjoying it. He joined me in "nesting" the other night- I even caught him scrubbing the FRONT of the oven- it was so sweet! Our house has never been cleaner or looked better!

Plans

So I know I've waited way too long to update some of this, however, it has been a crazy last few weeks! I'm at 38 and a half weeks of pregnancy, and she could come anytime (we're more than ready for her, hehe). I'll post more about what's been happening around here some other time, but for now (and at the risk of offending everyone) I decided to post the two "plans" that have come together for us. The first is our actual birth plan. We are just so thrilled and privileged to be able to experience this birth at home and have it our way, and with some AWESOME attendants! While there is some personal stuff in it, I feel it's important to think about and a lot of my friends didn't even know some of these were options, so I thought I'd preserve that here. I'm also posting the initial core parenting values that Justin and I have agreed upon and put together. The weeks and months of research that I put into these topics have really helped with some of these difficult decisions, and I'm finding that as I approach the adventure of birth and entering the era in my life of motherhood that my confidence is growing and my fear is lessening- something I'm relieved about! I hope you enjoy!!

Jennifer and Kyra’s Birth Wishes
Birth Attendents:
Justin
Mom (Pam)
Stephanie (sister)
Stacey (Doula)
Cori (Midwife)
Environment: Dimmed lights/ candles, quiet voices, my birth music, aromatherapy
Pain Relief Techniques I want to use:
-Breathing techniques (breath WITH me- don’t TELL me to breath)
-Distraction (taking a walk, eating, sleeping/ resting)
-Relaxation (massage and touch (everywhere except my legs), slow breathing, guided visualization, visual imagery (waves, candle)
-Vocal- singing, moaning
-Aromatherapy
-Temp.- hot shower, birth tub, rice packs, maybe ice?
-Movement- walking, constantly changing positions, standing, rocking, hugging someone and rocking, slow dancing, pelvic tilts/ rocks, rhythmical movements (dancing?), birth ball use
-TOUCH- (light and hard and all these types)
Kissing (Justin, lol), acupressure, firm belly stroking, gentle touch, massage (both light and heavy), stroking, pressure
Ultimately, I want…
-to be able to move as I need to
-to feel uninhibited in the noises I make
-for my door to always be closed
First Stage:- Probably accomplished with most of you not here yet. Justin and I plan to go for sushi in this stage, and to get out and walk a lot (maybe mall). I don’t want to feel like a watched pot. I may want to be completely alone as well. Probably won’t need many, if any, comfort techniques.
Second Stage: Will work through comfort techniques as I need them. Need help staying hydrated (and keeping glucose levels up with light food and/or honey). Will probably want someone with me at all times. NO distractions (cell phones- even vibrate bothers me). Positions for this: squatting, hands and knees, on toilet, standing
Transition: more of above. I like Justin telling me when the contraction is half over, so if you can, wear a watch with a second hand!
Delivery: I plan on Justin and I being in the birth pool for delivery. I want to touch Kyra’s head as she crowns. Justin will catch, or I will. Kyra will immediately be skin-to-skin with me (still quiet and dark in room). Eventually, (10-15 minutes usually) placenta will be delivered. It will be saved for encapsulation the next day, so placed in Tupperware in the ‘fridge. After cord stops pulsing Justin will cut it.
After delivery: Cori (our midwife) will eventually check out Kyra (I think after Kyra is o.k. on my chest she helps us into bed, and Justin and Kyra and I have an hour completely alone to bond and rest). Then Kyra gets weighed (no shots or anything) and checked over. I’ll need to eat something healthy and light and rest.
IF I NEED TRANSPORT:
I would like you to accompany me, should the need arise and you feel comfortable. I will be including a cesarean birth plan just in case, to give the doctor.
Stephanie will be taking pictures of the birth. I’m sure that everyone else will want to spell off for rest, food and such.

I do NOT want to be told to “relax” or “breathe”. I LIKE the words:
Limp, loose, light, cool, floating, soft, calm, free, comfy, cozy, harmony, balance
I’ll be printing out some guided visualization for someone to read to me.

Our Core Parenting Values:
To raise happy and healthy children by making the best choices we can with the current information we’ve found based on research. To develop lasting, positive relationships in our family. To encourage an environment of positive action and choices based on continual learning.
Specific Actions:
-Birth- As naturally as possible. Reducing medication exposure as well as improving familial bonding and connection and experiencing a positive birth experience.
-Breastfeeding- EXCLUSIVELY! We will breastfeed exclusively until solid foods are introduced around 6 months. This will include breastfeeding on cues and demand (not on a schedule, but when baby is hungry). NO FORMULA is to be given at ANY time!! In the event Jennifer cannot breastfeed (i.e.- death) a milkbank will be used. We will also breastfeed until the CHILD is ready to wean- which is usually between 3-4 years.
-Cloth Diapering- To reduce chemical exposure and skin irritations cloth diapers will be used along with cloth wipes. The new systems are easy (and cute) and have a huge impact on budget as well as the environment.
-No/ Limited Vaccinations- At this time we have decided NOT to vaccinate. We may initiate a delayed schedule with certain (limited) vaccines in the future. This includes newborn eyedrops, vit.k and antibiotics.
-Babywearing/ Co-sleeping- We will be practicing several methods of babywearing including the sling and babycarriers. This will be done while out of the house but also at home, so our babies can remain close to us for bonding and intellectual development (among other benefits). To help in this bonding, reduce SIDS and assist with breastfeeding we will also be co-sleeping with our babies sleeping in bed with us or in a bed pushed next to us.
-We want to promote gender-neutral identities in our children. To that end we are o.k. with and encouraging play that specifically mixes gender- i.e.- our girl(s) playing with trucks, cars, etc., and our boy(s) playing house, dress-up, etc. This also applies to colors of clothing. In addition, we want to reduce the “princess” ideology for girls, and the “non-emotional” ideology for boys.
-We don’t believe corporal punishment encourages positive, future relationships or teaches lessons other than fear, lack of trust and avoidance. And if this should change, NO ONE will be allowed to administer corporal punishment to our children except Jennifer and Justin.

-Praise- Praise of effort will be what we strive for in raising our children, as this gives them a controllable action to change. In addition, we want to limit praise based on emotion without controllable qualities. For example- We will praise: effort and hard work in cleaning rooms, dressing nicely, working on a paper or subject, etc. We will LIMIT praise such as “You’re so smart, you’re so pretty” which are NOT effort-based but inherent qualities.
-We believe that if a child is old enough to ask certain questions, then they should get an (age-appropriate) answer. So if a child asks why the sky is blue, or WHY certain things happen then they should get an answer they can understand.
-Healthy Food- Healthy food contributes to healthy brain and motor development. We will limit junk foods in our house, provide healthy snacks (focusing on protein, fruits, veggies, nuts and cheeses among others) and have NO fast food or soda in our house or while out.
-We believe vocabulary is a powerful and educational part of learning. We will not limit our children’s use of vocabulary (i.e.- “cuss” words) although we will explain appropriate use of “adult” words and when they can be used (at home).
-We believe that children are very impressionable, especially in the formative first 10 years. To that extent we will be introducing them to the non-mystical belief system that we adhere to and we will severely limit their exposure to anyone discussing or practicing religion around them. (ex- not being exposed to dinner prayers, “god bless’s”, and other mystical practices within reason).

As requested- pictures (maternity)

These are some of the maternity pictures that our wonderful (and talented) friend Joanna took! We loved taking them (right before xmas) and it was FREEZING outside, but with all my extra blood I was warm for the most part, haha.

Also, I've had one person tell me they tried to post a comment but it wouldn't let them. I'll check my settings, but let me know if the same happens for you!

End of an Era

So omg- I'm sitting here... AFTER ordering diapers (when I thought the craziness would be over) and now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to ORGANIZE my stash that's on the way. I'm watching this video when it hits me.... NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS STUFF BUT MOMS. I mean, 5 years ago if I'd had a friend that wanted to explain wool soakers to me I would have politely listened while thinking we had nothing in common and she was crazy. Now I'm turning into that crazy person (I think they're called a MOM) who can talk for hours about cloth diapers.... literally... not to mention, breastmilk, clothes, strollers, and all things babies. And while I know that's why they say that when you become a parent your entire circle of friends' changes, it's also very scary. All I can think it that what does that woman's husband think when he walks in the door every evening after work? His wife is stressed, (imagining me here), lucky to be dressed in clothes other than pajamas, with a day full of housework and kids... food, laundry... apparently organizing lots of cloth diapers... and I have flashbacks to when MY dad would come home and Aubrey and I were running around screaming and playing, toys everywhere, Stephanie crying, mom cooking and doing laundry....
And then I picture Justin coming home to that. What happened to the sexy clothes... glass of wine waiting, movie-watching, "normal" wife he used to have? And mixed in with that all is a healthy dose of fear... that THAT'S the real reason men leave... to go back to that "normal" place. Holy crap I think it's time for a glass of wine myself. Hah. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UigrHfTXQGg

Moving Right Along

So, maybe I should get more involved in this... seeing as how I'm much more housebound than I originally was, and from what I hear, that will get worse, haha. I hear a LOT of things will get worse... my discomfort, my big belly, my lack of sleep... it's beginning to irritate me. I think, just to go with my contrary self, I'll start telling people how much BETTER my belly feels stretched like this, and how much I LOVE still being awake at 6 am to wake up my husband for work, and how my lack of ability to get comfortable just means I get more exercise, haha. Last night I was dreaming that justin was squeezing my belly, just like he does when he's trying to find the head/ butt of Kyra... and I woke up with her turned sideways in my UPPER abdomen with something (the head?) poking out of my side, literally, and touching my ribs. It was slightly uncomfortable and wonderful!!! We played pattycake for a while. Maybe I'll be able to sleep through early contractions after all, haha. Have a TON to do today, and it's rainy (my favorite type of day) and I SO wish I could stay here. I desperately need a new camera to actually take pictures of me, my belly, and our life in general. Sigh. It's bottom of the list. Cloth diapers come first.